My why
I took a trip to Thailand this past summer with the intention of finding more of myself and defining my purpose. I bought this funky travel journal to help me capture some life changing moments. Over two weeks and a 19-hour flight each way, I captured a few pages of thoughts, and returned home with loads of pictures, great memories and feeling full and empty simultaneously. Fast forward, months later I almost lost my life as I was experiencing changes in my business, my family dynamics were shifting, I suddenly felt ambushed and flooded with a multitude of emotions.
I found myself questioning my purpose and reason for living this great life. Over the course of my life I’ve been on the struggle bus, I’ve been homeless, been in relationships with great men, loving men, sexy men, beautiful men, fake men, selfish men, but never experienced men who valued me for me, for my heart, for my support, for my authenticity, or my mind. I recently discovered a quote that I saved years ago that said “You’re rare, so people are gonna fall in love with the idea of having you, but most of them aren’t used to rare, they’re foreign to it, so they’ll lack the capacity to treat you as such. And that’s where they lose you.” Hmmmm, I forgot that very profound quote.
Why am I sharing this? Who really cares? I am sharing this because I believe that throughout my relationships, platonic or romantic, I never valued myself enough to notice that my depression was the impetus of the inability to dig deep and lean into me. It was easier to pour into others. To scrape every layer of flesh and inspect it with care to see that my creation was not in vain. I needed to see and believe that my self portrait of me was not indicative of how others saw me and validated me or not. The rabbit hole that we begin to step into is often built upon other people’s opinions. It allows us to see and adopt false narratives. It allows us to sometimes make poor decisions, it allows us to go against the flow and hence we end up in the stream of resistance, called anxiety and stress.
Nothing good ever comes from resisting the flow of energy. I have lived it, seen it, I have received two hoodies, t-shirt and a hat for it. I am exiting stage left. If you know anything about the arts, you know that coming off stage allows you to prepare for the next scene, it also allows you to reassess your performance, regroup, and while you are preparing for the next scene/spotlight - if there is another opportunity for the spotlight, you are breathing and exhaling.
This blog is my example of breathing and regrouping. It is my attempt to rise and introduce Art In June (AIJ): Delicacies of Society. I am Art In June. My wonderfully brilliant daughters have reminded me of the nuggets of wisdom I implanted into them that are now necessary to water my own garden of transformation. Interestingly enough, we sometimes forget that in order to be good teachers /parents, we must be good students/learners. We must be comfortable with eating our own words and being vulnerable, we must be comfortable with letting the words permeate our spirits to help us unbecome so that we can Be.
Often times, “Being” is the thing that we ask God for. It is the guidance that when placed in front of us, we miss the subtle sign because we are busy searching for what we think we need to Be. So that trusted travel journal that I referenced earlier, includes thoughts, scriptures and quotes highlighted throughout the pages, which was the original purpose for purchasing it. The return on my investment was exponentially heightened because the thoughts seemed to magically become the compass for my journey. It seemed As I began my brainstorming sessions recently, I was so enthralled in trying to get my thoughts on paper I was not paying attention to much else. I have been in some serious meditation and conversations with God about a myriad of things from my health to my financials of late. I pulled out my pen and started crafting logic models. I was a raving lunatic, creating arrows and bullet points. I would wake up in the mornings with my mind flooded with several streams of tasks. One morning however, I awoke and started reflecting on all the conversations that I have been having with God. As I went back to review some of the notes I had jotted in the journal, I saw a scripture that said: What I’m trying to do is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. -Matthew 6:32 The Message
Another day, as I picked up my journal to add more notes, the bottom of the page said: I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go… I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you. – (Genesis 28:15 NIV). My eyes welled up with tears, I had not been paying attention initially, but the reminder came right on time.
My gift is writing, it is the way I have made a living for many years, it is what I studied in college, it was my favorite pastime as a child, it is in my DNA. It is my pain and my pleasure. It is the thing that although I often run from, I find myself coming back to, it is like a jilted lover who causes me pain but somehow, I can’t resist the passion of our toxic union.
Art In June: Delicacies of Society is my opportunity to explore art and mental health. On a larger scale, it is an opportunity to unveil stories of creatives like myself who have their own struggles in the midst of their creative process yet find a way to produce the most inspiring and captivating artwork, performances, literature, etc. despite their challenges. I will simply be grateful if Art In June: Delicacies Of Society allows you to take the pearl within and offer it to the world as your diamond of greatness. I will be grateful if you can have a new perspective in how you see the arts and mental wellness in today’s society.
“Your greatest growth comes from your lowest times.”
